


And So It Is

by ScarlettWallflower



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Human, Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-21
Updated: 2018-12-21
Packaged: 2019-09-24 01:12:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,392
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17091275
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ScarlettWallflower/pseuds/ScarlettWallflower
Summary: Tears don't grant wishes, you can't put time in a bottle, and you can't make someone love you.





	And So It Is

**Author's Note:**

> Another cross-post. I'm on a roll lately. 
> 
> This is a request fill, the prompt asking for college student Alfred in love with high school student Arthur with Alfred pining and Arthur oblivious. It was lighter on those last two elements but I think I got the general gist of the prompt. 
> 
> Anyway, have this long, melodramatic thing. By the by, the song mentioned by Alfred is Time in a Bottle by Jim Croce and if you're interested, it pairs well with this fic. Also The Blower's Daughter by Damien Rice.

Alfred was waiting for him on the porch swing when Arthur came up the sidewalk.

It was strange knowing he would be going to his best friend’s house and Matthew would be out for the afternoon with some of their other friends from school. 

He couldn’t understand the dread he felt in the pit of his stomach. It was just Alfred. He’d been a fixture in Arthur’s pretty much since his family moved into the neighborhood.

Alfred has hung around with Matthew and Arthur quite a bit when they were all young, playing together in perfect harmony. As years had gone by, Alfred had developed new friends his own age and slowly faded from Arthur’s immediate attention. 

But by virtue of the fact that he and Matthew lives together, he was always there in the background, teasing Matthew and play-fighting with him. 

It was many years before Arthur had a proper conversation with Alfred beyond some vague acknowledgement of each other’s presence.

Arthur would say that it didn’t start back up again until somewhere around his junior year of high school. 

Alfred was home on Christmas break from college, dicking around the house somewhere, and Matthew had invited Arthur over to spend the night. 

In the midst of a snack break in the kitchen, Alfred had tramped down the stairs, muttering something about where was the tape because he needed to wrap presents. He’d gotten to the entryway to he kitchen and stopped. 

Arthur had noted that he wasn’t wearing a shirt and had only loose fitting athletic shorts on. Sure, he was hot, he had been captain of the their high school football team amongst participation in other sports and now was going to college on a baseball scholarship so he was in great shape. Arthur had known he was gay for some time now so this superficial attraction did not surprise him. 

What did surprise him was the way Alfred was staring at him like a starving man stares at a rack of ribs. This went on for a few highly uncomfortable moments before Matthew smacked his brother upside the head with the roll of scotch tape.

Alfred grappled for the tape, never taking his eyes off Arthur.

“Hey Arthur… I um I like your shirt,” Alfred said in a breathy voice.

Arthur looked down. It was a T-shirt from some obscure band from England that his brother had taken him to see that summer. It had a picture of a girl about to eat her own eyeball. It tended to draw the ire of adults and the admiration of other teens. 

“Oh well thank you. I didn’t realize you liked this kind of music Alfred.”

It had been an innocuous statement, Arthur had heard a raunchy Nicki Minaj song blaring from Alfred’s car speakers when he’d dropped Matthew off at the library the other day, but it seemed to rankle Alfred.

He scrunched his nose and crossed his arms.  
“I mean yeah, I like rock just fine.”

Arthur didn’t think much of it, just assuming he’d run afoul of some musical elitists, and simply said “Right, right. Cheers mate,” and went back upstairs with Matthew.

The next morning, while he and Matthew ate breakfast, Alfred reappeared in a pair of jeans and an AC/DC t shirt. He said nothing, just stared at Arthur as he fried an egg at the stove.

Arthur recalls later asking Matthew what Alfred’s deal was. 

Matthew’s forehead had creased and he said “I think he’s having a hard time at college. He won’t say anything to anyone about it, but he’s been acting weird ever since he came home.”

And that was the end of it. Until the following summer. Alfred came home unceremoniously at the end of May and that was where he stayed. He rarely left his bedroom and constantly rebuffed Matthew’s attempts to get him to go out and do things with himself and Arthur.

Around mid-June, Alfred’s mother had tired of this and told Alfred at lunchtime one day to leave the house and not come back until late evening or she would be taking back the car she so generously allowed him to drive around in. Arthur, who’d been spending the weekend there, averted his eyes towards his sandwich.

Alfred was clearly irritated but didn’t put up a fight. Matthew saw his opportunity and invited his brother to go down to a small gathering he and Arthur would be attending at the beach that night. Alfred shrugged, muttered some incomprehensible response under his breath, and went upstairs to change.

Alfred’s mother was usually a rather stoic, unflappable woman so it was a surprise when she looked at the two, calmly as she ever had, and winked at Matthew before standing up and going to her office to work. Her high heels clacked as she walked across the wooden floor and Arthur imagined she was likely a queen in some past life. A very vicious, effective queen.

Arthur turned to Matthew, giving him a perplexed look. 

Matthew grinned. “I don’t have any good blackmail on him. And she’s been worried too.”

“You’re devious, you know that don’t you?”

“I use my powers for good.”

That night at the beach, Alfred was quiet bordering on sullen. He spoke when spoken to but never offered anything of his own accord.

Arthur supposed this must be awkward and embarrassing for him, having to hang around with his younger brother’s friends because his mother was holding his car hostage. He kept to himself though, not wanting to wound Alfred’s pride any further by pitying him.

At around midnight, Alfred appeared to have had enough and stood. Arthur assumed he was going home and he and Matthew would just catch a ride with another group member.

Arthur nearly choked on his soda when Alfred stuck a hand down and said “Hey, let’s go for a walk. I’ll help you up.”

Seeing as he was given no real choice, Arthur accepted the hand up and followed Alfred down the beach.

As they got farther away from the small fire their little group had made and the wind blew harder, Arthur hunched down into his jacket and Alfred stepped a bit closer to him. They walked in silence until Alfred had found a suitable place to stop and sat down, carefully moving one limb at a time. Arthur was weirded out but followed suit, hoping he wouldn’t get sand in the back pockets of his jeans.

Alfred kept staring out at the water like he had been for the past four hours. Arthur was beginning to lose patience with all this moping and he pressed the matter.

“Why did you want me to come over here?”

Alfred turned to him and gave him a long, inscrutable look. “Has anyone ever told you that you have beautiful eyes?”

Arthur could feel his ears and the back of his neck turning red. He slapped a hand over it, trying to pass it off as scratching his head. 

“Oh, uh, well, perhaps a time or two.” 

Alfred nodded. “Have you thought about what you want to major in?”

“I have some ideas. I’m interested in psychology and literature. I like the idea of becoming a professor or teacher of some kind.”

“You’d be good at that.”

Arthur could not for the life of him understand why this conversation had to occur out here. Why couldn’t they make absurd small talk by the fire where it was warm and not down wind?

“Do you still like to read?”

Arthur breathed a laugh. “Yes I still like to read.”

“Fantasy still your favorite?”

“Yes. I finished the Lord of the Rings trilogy when I was thirteen. Now I pretty much read whatever I can get my hands on.”

“That’s good that you read. I used to a lot, before I got busy with school and sports and everything. Now I’m so exhausted when I get back to my dorm at night I can hardly keep my eyes open long enough to finish a full page.”

Noting the melancholy turn Alfred’s voice had taken, Arthur briskly said “Well, at least you can do something else you enjoy. Baseball is fun for you, isn’t it?”

Alfred shrugged, leaning back on his elbows.

“I guess. It was more fun when I was in little league and high school. Now it’s just another box on a checklist. Honestly, I don’t know why they gave me that stupid scholarship. I’m not even that good.”

“Well, I can’t say I know much about baseball but I doubt they would have given you so much money if you didn’t play well.”

“Just feels like a waste of time. Anyway, what else are you up to these days, besides reading?”

“Homework, mostly. I’m taking a full load of AP classes.”

“No time for other things? Hanging out with your buddies back there or dating?”

“Ah, not much I’m afraid.”

Alfred went quiet for a moment, collecting his thoughts.

“Matthew said you’re gay.”

In a rather graceless moment, Arthur nearly choked on his own saliva in his shock. 

“What the hell? I don’t see why that’s any of your business.”

“Relax man, no judgment here. I’m bi and I tend to go for guys myself.”

“Oh. I didn’t know that.” 

If Alfred had dated in high school, he’d been very discreet about it. Arthur had never seen anyone latched onto him at school or even heard Matthew mention a crush Alfred had. But then, Arthur supposed that college was a time for many people to explore their sexuality and it probably wasn’t that unusual.

“Nobody around here’s caught your eye yet?”

Arthur sighed. “I don’t know. I don’t look that often.” A sudden breeze chilled Arthur and he shivered violently.

Alfred put an arm across his shoulders to warm him. The contact itself made Arthur nervous but he was so cold he didn’t object. Alfred’s bod was warm and sturdy beside him.

“Do you believe in magic? Like wishes and stuff?”

Alfred was going to give him whiplash with these sudden subject changes. 

“Maybe. I like to think that there’s some element at play we can’t see.”

“I remember one time I heard this story about a woman who cried and put all her tears in a bottle and once the bottle was full she made a wish and it came true.”

“It’s a nice thought. That eventually your pain could be traded in for happiness.”

A light flickered behind Alfred’s eyes. 

“My parents used to listen to that old song a lot. You know, Time in a Bottle?”

“I don’t know that one.”

“I didn’t like it when I was a little kid but I get it more now.”

Arthur smirked. “Do you really enjoy bottles that much?”

Alfred smiled, looking out at the waves. “My grandpa used to collect them, like old ones from antique stores and stuff. He made ships in a bottle too.”

Arthur vaguely recalled their grandfather’s death a few years before. Alfred had taken it particularly hard, having been close to his grandfather, and took much longer to get over it than Matthew had.

“I just like the idea of the song, you know? Being able to save extra time to spend with the person you love.”

Arthur turned to look at Alfred, who looked so much older than eighteen. Just as soon as that somber, heavy had fallen over his face, his expression turned dreamy wistful as he grabbed a handful of sand and let it run through his fingers. 

He’d never seen this side of Alfred before, didn’t know he was capable of it, frankly. But though it was somewhat off-putting, Arthur understood that Alfred was, for whatever reason, trying to open up to him. The moment was delicate.

The moonlight glinted silver off Alfred’s hair and Arthur wondered how much of his “good-natured jock” personality was an act.

“I imagine love is very, er, sublime. Overwhelming, all-consuming.” Arthur hunched over in annoyance with himself. Now he was just talking to say words, something he’d always despised.

“Yeah. Like the universe or even the galaxy. It’s just too big for humans to really comprehend.”

“You’re different than I remember.” Arthur really could have kicked himself. Why was he saying things like that, to his friend’s older brother of all people?

Alfred looked back at Arthur over his shoulder and gave him that careless grin, maybe several watts lower than usual.

“Don’t worry, I’m still fundamentally the same asshole as always. We better get back over there. It’s getting kind of late.”

Again, Alfred stood and offered a hand to Arthur. When they were both on their feet, Alfred put a hand on each of Arthur’s shoulders and held him lightly in place.

“Hey, thanks for tonight. I like you, Arthur. We should talk more.” 

Arthur had only smiled in response. He doubted the likelihood of that happening but there was no need to be a complete ass about it.

Arthur reasoned that he and Alfred were just two very different people and it was no big deal if he didn’t pursue this any further. Sure, there had been a tenuous, if earnestly sweet, connection between them but that didn’t mean much in the grand scheme of things. They could both continue on their separate ways and this odd night could be forgotten.

 

In late July, Matthew had gotten a wild hair in him and decided that he and Alfred should have a kegger at their house while their parents vacationed in the Smoky Mountains.

Arthur, who drank quite a bit more than a high schooler probably should, was amused by all this and showed up in support of his best friend.

Alfred had seemed reluctant throughout the planning process and spent the night drinking a steady stream of beer and tequila alone in the kitchen. Arthur had thought nothing of it, assuming it was just because Matthew had mostly invited his own friends and Alfred didn’t have anyone to talk to.

Matthew had asked him that afternoon to keep an eye on Alfred. “He’s really worrying me, you know? I think somethings wrong with him.”

Arthur had agreed but privately thought Matthew was overreacting. A person as silly and cheerful as Alfred didn’t seem capable of depression, at least in Arthur’s opinion. He’d probably just changed a little during his first year of college.

So when Alfred disappeared from the kitchen around two in the morning, Arthur sighed and went around the house looking for him.

Alfred was, of course, in the last place he looked- the front porch swing.

He was rocking it back and forth rather harshly and Arthur grabbed the arm rest.

“Stop that, you’ll make yourself sick.”

Alfred muttered something that Arthur didn’t catch and put his feet up in the porch railing. Music from inside the house could be faintly heard.

Don’t tell your mother, kiss one another, die for each other…

Arthur sat down next to Alfred, sipping his own beer and enjoying the light breeze wafting through.

“I hate those things,” Alfred slurred, jabbing a finger in the direction of the small garden in the middle of their circular driveway.

“Gardenias,” he explained. “I hate them.”

“Why’s that, they look nice enough,” Arthur had said absent-mindedly. He’d dealt with enough drunks over the years to know it was best to just humor them until they passed out.

“Every summer mom made me and Matt come out here and pick all the dead ones off the bush. They smell terrible, like rotting bananas.”

Arthur paid him no mind, these were just drunken ramblings, even if they were wholly uncharacteristic of Alfred. 

“They have gardenia bushes outside my dorm at school. The smell gets into everything. One time,” he laughed unsteadily, “one time I was in my room with a girl. She was gorgeous and I’d been trying to get with her for a while. But when we were in my bed, she started kissing me and taking off her shirt. And she moved her hair and I could smell that rotting sickly sweet smell and I just started gagging and I- I couldn’t do it.”

Arthur was just about to suggest Alfred go to bed when Alfred grabbed him in a suffocating hug, pinning his arms to his sides and staring into Arthur’s eyes with a wild, desperate look in his own.

“I hate it there. I hate my life. I wanna go back to high school. People liked me back then and I knew where I was going. Now I don’t know anything, I don’t do anything.”  
“Alfred, calm down-”

Before Arthur could finish his command, Alfred had placed his hands on either side of Arthur’s face, reverently like he was afraid Arthur would break, and kissed him.

It was not a gentle kiss, clumsy and sloppy. Alfred was trying to get his tongue into Arthur’s mouth and Arthur was trying to keep his mouth closed. Alfred relaxed just slightly but it was enough for Arthur to break away.

“What the hell are you doing?”

“I love you.”

“Don’t say that. It’s stupid and you’re drunk,” Arthur tried pushing on Alfred’s chest but Alfred was much stronger than him and wouldn’t be letting go unless he wanted to.

“No, I love you. I’ve loved you since I don’t know when. I know you’re younger and you’re my brother’s friend so I probably shouldn’t but I don’t feel bad about it. Just tell me you love me back and I’ll do whatever you want. I’ll transfer to whatever school you’re going to next year so we can be together. I’ll-”

“You’re not going to do any of that.” He shook Alfred when his eyes glazed over. “Listen to me Alfred, listen to me! If you don’t like your school, you can go wherever you want, that’s your business. But I do not feel that way about you. I do not love you. Now get off of me and go to bed.”

Alfred dropped his arms immediately and Arthur stormed off into the house, never looking back.

 

That had been the last time they’d spoken to each other. Alfred had gone back to school at the end of the summer and stayed there, not even coming home for Thanksgiving, and no one had heard much from him.

Arthur, for his part, had been coasting. He’d already been accepted into his first choice school and was basking in his success. Arthur spent the rest of the summer and the fall entering the dating scene. There were plenty of out guys at school and fun to be had. 

Arthur had also had time to reflect on what had happened with Alfred. He felt bad about being so harsh since the morning after. It was obvious that Alfred was deeply unhappy and depressed and even if he didn’t feel the same way, Arthur knew he’d been unfair.

But as the one-night stands and relationships that failed before they even started racked up, Arthur began to turn over the possibilities in mind. 

It was, after all, flattering for someone like himself to get a confession from someone Alfred. Arthur was short and thin, kind of a twink really, and while that appealed to some guys, it was never going to net him the self-assuredness and positive reception he’d always needed.

Alfred was a truly beautiful man- intelligent, confident, outgoing. Not to mention, there was a certain comfort in the familiarity of dating someone who had known him since he was a young boy. Maybe it was worth a shot.

In truth, he’d felt something that night at the beach and when he’d kissed him at the party. He hadn’t wanted to admit it, hadn’t wanted to consider the possibility that Alfred might be exactly the type of sensitive, intelligent person he was looking for. Opportunities like this didn’t often fall into one’s lap. Arthur needed to take advantage of this.

Pragmatic musings turned to a storybook crush as fall transitioned into winter and Arthur found himself excited for Alfred’s return home.

So when Alfred came home for Christmas again, and sent him a text reading: My house, after you get out of school, Arthur had walked home from school with a quick step and a stomach heavy with anticipation.

Alfred was rocking, just like last time, but slower and more controlled. The sunlight was filtering in through the pillars and Alfred was silhouetted. Arthur felt like he was in an old movie as he made his way up the steps and over to the unoccupied part of the swing.

Alfred didn’t turn to look at him when he sat down. 

“So what did you want to talk about?”

Alfred sucked in a breath through his teeth. “Just wanted to say I’m sorry for this summer. I was in a really bad place but that’s no excuse, I shouldn’t have kissed you without your permission.”

“That’s alright. I was rather impolite when I rebuffed you. But, uh, I was wondering… if maybe there was something more between us.” Arthur licked his lips, rubbing his hands together and looking at his feet. There was something electric in the air, giving Arthur the idea that anything was possible today.

“Arthur, I like you. You’re really good-looking, like hot. You’re smart and you have this effortlessly cool attitude. But that wasn’t, I shouldn’t have told you something like that. I meant it when I said I love you, but it didn’t mean anything. Do you understand what I’m saying?”

Arthur understood perfectly but he refused to entertain the thought. He’d simply put too much thought and effort into this idea of him and Alfred. Arthur was nothing if not determined and when he wanted something, he would force his will on the situation until he got what he wanted. This should be no problem at all.

“I understand that you might be a bit embarrassed after all that, but I assure you, I’ve never told anyone and I certainly don’t hold it against you. But I still think we should just give it a try.”

“Arthur, I’m not-”

“Of course, I know the timing is inconvenient but I suppose there never truly is a good time for such things. Oh well, must make the best of it,” he said stoutly when Alfred put his head in his hands.

“Goddammit, this is all my fault. I took advantage of you and got your hopes up.” 

Arthur rolled his eyes. “It’s not as if I’m some swooning ingenue. I’m only two years younger than you, I understand just as much about these things as you.”  
“I met someone else,” he said bluntly.

“What?”

“I took a literature class and I met this guy in there. We started dating not long after the semester started.”

“You’re lying. You’re just trying to patronize me, protect my feelings…”

Alfred finally turned to face him and it was awful. Happy-go-lucky Alfred, the one he’d always known, had been replaced by someone with cold eyes and a stony, tense look.

He yanked his phone out of his pocket, opening an app and scrolling. He shoved the screen in Arthur’s face. 

A boy with longer hair the color of chocolate and olive skin smiled at the camera, a reckless, wry sort of smile that made Arthur want to grab the phone and smash it on the ground. 

Alfred flicked the screen with his thumb and a second picture appeared. The boy was shirtless looking as though he’d just gotten out of the shower, though it was clearly candid because he was laughing and trying to cover up.

Another picture, this time the two of them posed in front of a nightclub. Alfred and the boy kissing on a park bench. The two of them in formal wear under warm lighting. Arthur felt sick.

“I’m not lying to you, Arthur. I’m being very honest with you so you know where I stand. We’re not going to be together. I found somebody else and I’m in love with him.”

Arthur gasped, trying to breathe around the lump in his throat. 

“But that doesn’t mean you don’t love me still! You didn’t say that.”

“Arthur, what does it matter if I do? We can’t be together. We’re not- it would never work. I’ve found somebody it works with.”

“How do you know it’s real? How do you know it’s not like what you told me before?”

“Because Arthur, I’m not so depressed I feel like I’m going out of my mind. I’m not drunk 24/7 and desperate for some human contact. I’ve been working on myself and it’s not easy but I feel like this is right. Romano makes me really happy.”

“So I suppose I should just forget about what happened at the beach?”

“Not everything has a deeper meaning. Maybe we were falling in love that night. Or maybe we were just two people trying to make a connection and it was only for that one little space in time. I get it, I wanted to make it something else. But it’s not. It was just a good talk and a really bad kiss. I’m sorry. I didn’t think you felt that way about me, or else I would have told you all this a while ago. Matt only told me I needed to talk to you the other day. Said you were dropping hints that you had a thing for me.”

There was nothing else to say. There was no way to fix this. Alfred had stone-walled him at every chance. Arthur Kirkland did not get what he wanted. 

Arthur stood, about to march off the porch when Alfred grabbed his arm.

“Don’t punish Matthew for this. He’s your best friend, and he’s looking out for you.”

“Fuck off! Matthew has nothing to do with you being a shit-head. He can come over to mine but I never want to see your face again.”

Alfred released his arm and Arthur made it all the way down the steps before Alfred said, “Maybe it would be best if we both forget. That’s the way it should be.”

Arthur stalked down the street, hands in his pockets, as a vengeful breeze evaded his windbreaker. His tears fell cold onto his collarbone as he shivered.


End file.
